& i do not know
where does it go
when it goes
suddenly though
everything's slow
& i miss you so

you don't know but that's okay
you might find me anyway
don't you know that i
belong arm in arm with you, baby
in a town that's cold and gray
we will have a sunny day
don't you know that i
belong arm in arm with you, baby

for a second there i thought you disappeared
it rains a lot this time of year
& we both go together if one falls down
i talk out loud like you're still around
& i miss you
i'm going back home to the west coast
i wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
i love you
standing all alone in a black coat

i miss you
i'm going back home to the west coast
& if you shake her heart enough she will appear

so pack up the bags to beat back the clock
do i let her sleep or should i wake her up
you said
we both go together if one falls down

i have never been happier.

cute hockey stuff.

so after careful thought of this situation, i have decided to write out exactly where my thought process is going. i think if i do it this way, i will make it a little more clear and say exactly what it is that i need to say.

for instance,
what if i broke up with you and said maybe i still love keith. then, in that same day-or the next day, willingly went to see him assuming that i did still feel for him. in this case, i would have done exactly what you did. you went to see her thinking you'd most likely rekindle past love. you did this while you knew how incredibly broken i was.

however,
you did call me after your talk with her, after realization that it is infact-over. but, what if it hadn't been? you would have not wasted even a solid day to remove me entirely from your life and start over with her. do you not think that's a little fast considering all the emotions you say you had felt for me? i think it is.

i'm not going to lie. i spent this entire day nauseated and shocked that this happened so suddenly. i spent hours begging for you to change your mind and snap out of it, and it took you actually going over there to realize that you might actually want me instead. why couldn't you have known i was enough without this? i understand you needed your closure, and i'm so happy you have it for your own mental stability and wellbeing. but, the fact is, you didn't know if i was worth it until you saw what else you could potentially have. this makes me feel like everything you said and "felt" was somehow skewed and maybe not worth as much as you lead me to believe. i'm not accusing you of lying or putting words in your mouth. i'm not saying i don't trust you. i'm just saying what you did really hurt me and makes me skeptical. because of this rollercoaster of emotions i felt today, i don't know if i can fully trust you with my heart, and to keep your feet grounded in this when times get difficult. i need someone who can get through fights or bickering with me, and who doesn't flee at the glimmer of a fight. arguing is healthy and normal, and it's entirely normal in moderation. and the way you dealt with my emotional response to something i was completely entitled to scares the hell out of me. i can't have anything like that happen again.

i feel like you're overlooking the shit i went through today, granted it was just one day. i had no idea whether or not it would stay this way. i had no idea if i was going to go through an insanely hard time because you made me believe i was not what you wanted. even though you said it's exactly what you did want. i was emotionally vulnerable and scared to death when you told me you wanted me in your life more than i was a few months back. i was horrified. but you were so dead set on making me realize that you were "different," and not like the guys who have previously fucked me over horribly. but i trusted you to keep your word, because you always told me you lived by that. after all the insanity i have been through with previous people, i just never expected this coming from you. what happened today, after having some of the best and happiest times in my life- you completely walked out on me out of nowhere. i know you said i walked out on you and did this, but my words came out faster than i could think them because i was devastated when i found out you still possibly loved her. i tried to talk it out and make you see where i was coming from, and you just dismissed me like it was nothing.

in conclusion, since apparently i am writing a persuasive paper:
i am unbelievably confused and mildly devastated with the thought that you left me this morning thinking that you could love someone else more than you could love me. and that putting our relationship on the line was worth it to you to find out the answer to that question. i care about you and i don't put my heart on the line for just anyone. so don't fuck up if i decide to give you a second chance.

jordan, i messed up.
even though you said you were ok, i knew you weren't. now that you have mixed feelings, i feel sick. reading that text was terrible for me. i hate that you feel that way. you are more than good enough for me. i'm not sure why you think you aren't. i, at first, thought you were too good for me. i think now we are perfect together. you make me so happy and am glad to call you mine. i'm not sure why you think i'm not over diana. i am. you are the only one for me. after careful analysis of my statement, i found fault to it. it was meant as a statement toward your ex. it came out bad. i would take it back if i could. i don't know why i let thoughtless statements spew from my mouth, but i will stop. they have little meaning to them. the things like "i love you," "you're the only one for me." i meant all that with all i have inside me.
i love you jordan.
seriously. you are all i need.
<3 joey

dear jordan,
i hope you are good and are reading this on the plane. i'm writing this to say how much i am going to miss you. i'll be counting down the days til i have you back. i know you are somewhat uneasy about the disappearing in the coming month, but please understand i am not going anywhere. i promise. i truly do love you. the past month and some weeks have been amazing and i wouldn't trade them for anything (not even an R32.) i think the total hour count we have spent together is 1,352,7618, but literally it's in the hundreds. we have yet to have a dull moment and i hope we never do. i know we had that hickup, but don't worry about that anymore. you have me. i can't wait to see you a gain so we resume this. i absolutely adore you to death, you're sweet, caring, genuine and (As i mentioned before) drop dead cute as a button : ) every time i'm with you, it's like all the bad things are gone. you make me sooo happy and make me feel appreciated. i hope to spend a long time with you. i promise i'm not a psycho. i won't make you feel like poop ( i did that briefly and i hate myself for it), i wont ever put my hands on you. basically, i will never do anything those other doods did that you dont like, it should be easy though- i'm not like that anyway. IN CONCLUSION~ i love you jordan. you mean the world to me. i can't wait til you come back/ i don't know how it's gonna be without you, but we can do this. it's meant to be. be safe. i'll ttyl<33456781234389289

love,
joe(y)

ps. you had me at hello
pps. <3
ppps. i'll take care of heffy.

i have wracked my brain trying to find the words to express what i am feeling. i think you are being so stubborn and have completely zeroed in on your own reasons for doing what you have done, that you have all together dismissed my feelings and ignored what it is you have done and caused me. your reasons for wanting to be away from me are nauseating. your words expressing your love for me are not and now seem to be never synonymous with your actions. you accepted my unconditional distribution of love, care, worry, effort, energy, time and kindness-and just as easily as you accepted it, you threw me away. i let you in quicker and into more places than i have ever let anyone. furthermore, when the unthinkable happened- i am left with nothing.

nothing.

i re-arranged my life and plans to you- yes i know you never asked for that-but you accepted it gladly. you stayed with me for so many days straight and you are so able to just forget everything. the largest symbol of your true lack of appreciation and care for me was displayed today. remember when you promised to be here when i got back, even when i was having my own doubts? when you convinced me to take a risk and a chance on this, as wounded as i felt. remember that? you can't even be considerate while you are hurting me and causing me heartbreak. i might as well have never existed. with the click of a button i have vanished from your life and been replaced just as fast. you did this now. why now? why couldn't you have done this sooner. before you made me love you. i find it completely ironic that you are ridding me of your life now when you were so headstrong on me being such a big part of it. thank you.

can you think of a better display of me love for you versus your lack of love and respect for me?
i understand that the whole break up conversation sort of unraveled, yet i would have thought that the circumstances under which you further ended this would have encompassed a world of thought. i hoped that the thought of crushing and hurting me of all people would have been dealt with delicately and not on a whim as it did. i was obviously mistaken, as you have "deleted" me just as you would a stupid, reckless person who means nothing from your past. i never thought i would regret a minute of time i spent with you, i never thought i would regret how i handled anything in this relationship. yet, i find myself regretting countless things as i try to fight back the tears every second since you did this. for reasons which i cannot comprehend, you have chosen to say goodbye to the one person who tried the hardest, to reach the farthest, and loved you without hesitation and inhibition when you needed it the most.

i hope this hits you.

i tell myself it isn’t as blank as it seems
sometimes
you know, the days that come in rushes of
similarity
and time and words are all i have
so I might as well use them
in short, adequate amounts
my doubts are draining my love
tell me no day is as blank
as it seems
until there’s no reflection in your eyes
until I don’t see myself in them
it is not our part to make the goodbyes
or to decide, but time